At work today, my jeans ripped right in the front left thigh when I was cutting open a box. The whole time you could see this gaping hole and even part of my boxers. The weird thing? Nobody even noticed that it happened. I left without a word. I'm wearing the jeans tomorrow, too. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, our IT department began a terrible new policy where we have to submit all the websites that we want to visit on our work computers during work. I want to die. That's the reason I stayed an hour late today trying to figure out why Youtube was necessary for work. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I overhead two of my coworkers planning how they were going to "massively increase their salaries and booze money." My interest was piqued, so I walked a little closer. Turns out their plan was just to commit tax fraud. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, a bunch of Jehovah's Witnesses came to the legal aid office I work at asking to leave Watchtower magazines in the lobby. I told them we weren't allowed to because we are a publicly funded group. I guess they thought that talking to me for an hour would convince me. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, a huge car wreck happened about three buildings down. We all went down to look at it, and my boss said "Man, it's just like NASCAR. Amazing." Except, of course, somebody probably got hurt. At least he didn't get a lawn chair. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was yelled at by my boss for "leaving early" at 6:00. My shift ends at 5:30. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, a guest at our hotel came down at around two to the concierge desk. "So," he said, "is the casino still open?" I nodded that it was. Then he asked me if they served drinks. I called and confirmed they were. Then he asked me if he was going to win at craps. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, they had us working outdoor security for an arts event. Apparently, this year they wanted to make it easier for the artists. That means they can leave all their crappy paintings and sculptures overnight. And I have to work the overnight shift to guard them. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was informed that any employee who wanted a "voluntary layoff" could take one in order to travel the world or do whatever it is you do with a severance package. The problem is that our severance amounted to a month's pay. I couldn't travel to Tennessee with that. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, the intercom we normally use to make announcements was broken. Usually it sounds bad, but now it wouldn't even work. Because of that, I had to go through the whole plane to make any announcement. Instead of being thanked, I just saw the dirty looks up close. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, the longest day ever just wouldn't end. I was finally getting ready to clock out when my boss stood by the punch clock with a trainee. He must have talked to him for ten minutes before letting me through. And I bet I'll still get in trouble for clocking out late. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I had an insane cold and was sneezing literally every five minutes. I moved the Kleenex to my desk and piled the used ones to the side. I went to get a cup of tea, and when I came back, the used Kleenex was gone. And my trashcan was empty. I'm dumbemployed.