At work today, my crush came in and said that she was swamped and really needed my help balancing spreadsheets. I envisioned a long night together and agreed to help. "Thanks!" she said. "See you later!" I'm still working on it, alone. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was already auditioning department store Santas. This year's crop was decent, but the beards aren't in yet. That's why I had to make a paper model beard and hold it up to all their faces. It took hours. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was put in charge of landscaping our front area. Not the best idea. My degree is in cosmetology. Not..uh...landscapology. I can't put makeup on a plant. Or can I? I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, even the pigeons seemed like they were a little lazy. Normally, they peck at the bread I throw on the ground furiously. Today? They lay there waiting for me to throw the pieces again, but closer. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I planned on telling every customer what I really thought of all the clothes they tried on. That wasn't the best idea. Here's a tip- don't tell a millionaire's wife a dress isn't good for her thighs. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I gave a customer advice on his investment portfolio. "Sell!" he shouted at me. "Sir," I said patiently, "you have to buy something first." I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my boss actually tied a sweater around his shirt. Sure, it would always be pretentious, but maybe a little sophisticated. Except it wasn't a sweater. It was a Packers hoodie. Classy, boss. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I came in and asked my boss if I could come in next weekend and wear jeans. He deliberated, but then said yes. I jumped up and down. Then I realized I'm still working on the weekend. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I stood in line waiting to punch my timecard. Naturally, Bernie got confused again and put his timecard in upside down. It would be an understandable mistake. Except this is the seventh time it's happened this month. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my mom applied for a job at our big box store. The recession has gotten that bad. The only thing that worries me is that she'll be overqualified to push carts. She has a PhD. Of course, I have my Masters. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I practiced giving a Powerpoint presentation. I might have a lot more work to do. My presentation is supposed to last half an hour. My practice run took me about two and a half minutes. The presentation is later this afternoon. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, the birds outside wouldn't shut up. I'm all for a little chirping cheer. But these birds seemed like they were auditioning for a Disney movie. Does anyone have a slingshot? I'm dumbemployed.